I wish I could punch you in the face.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
