my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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