I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
