I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize