I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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