i need an iv and a liver transplant
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You are the jesus of drinking
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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