She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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