Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
