I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize