On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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