You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
