Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you win again, gameday.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
