Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
