How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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