So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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