thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The air was thick with penises
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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