All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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