I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
