No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
