she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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