I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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