We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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