So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
