if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Randomize