yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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