like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
