I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
