Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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