I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
