At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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