No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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