im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
