I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
