God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
