I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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