Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize