I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
