"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
