i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
