There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
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