Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
