I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i used baking grease as lip gloss
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
