I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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