Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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