I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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