So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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