she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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