Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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