the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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