Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
