What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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