I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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