and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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