She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
