I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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