Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
