My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
