Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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