I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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