I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
